Sunday, December 28, 2008

heart as life

use heart shape in the cave as the symbol of true life, a calling back to ourselves.....

"A drunken priarie sailor wasn't a logical choice for companionship to a summer solstice cave, but that's the hand I dealt myself. And it worked, that intoxicated inexperience on the water, somehow, it worked."

Sunday, December 21, 2008

jolly roger

skull and crossbones tree, take the sandwiches then next time you go, the time travellers.
Have one of the 7000 escapees be me as a High Mayan Time Walker who can sit and move the cosmsos back and forth throuth time and can see the future of the planet earth and how all plays out. Me splits into two, one the High Maya and one a perfect slave to the system, the God system, the white light construct all the gnostic sects that got lost in 'trusting the divine plan'.

Have self as high mayan time walker try to wake up self as slave....skull and crossbones is a diagram of our own individual skull in the grid matrix, the prison that has been earth. slave self doens't get it until this lifetime but time wlaker is going backwards through time so how would that work....the self getting it this time would alter all the selves in other lifetimes. Actually, maybe the me getting it in this lifetimes is the culmination of all my selves getting it thourhg my time walker self nudging me towards the truth of the slavery of humanity.
messianic jew
essene
cathar
christian
muslim
buddhist


touch on need to see that there is nothing but what we create but that we need to move beyond nothingness into applying the knowledge and information.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

true cups

if the teachings in the tarot are from ancient mesopotamia/sumeria then the cup originated with the drinking cup that Anu placed before King Alalu on Nibiru.
so what the hell is it really for? it's got nothing to do with emotions, surely....so dumbed down all this stuff has become, lets go for the original teachings all they way back to before enslavement.

vinland

the location of vinland being vancouve island would be a perfect way to introduce the viking stuff. but why would they come here? searching for the lost continent of mu perhaps?

kennewick man

great video giving eveidence of lemaurian continent off west coast of na.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yM8_l-eU3RU&feature=related

another video about white skinned, bearded humans living among the south americans when the spanish came over.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQrmAbpSndg&feature=related
those of mu, would have been same as blue and green eyed people, semitic looking beings I guess because of their beards. Sound like those on the temples in ancient Persia.

title idea:
Human, free thyself

great ,minds hide everywhere

fugging paul!! What a brilliant idea. And I can use all the info and knowledge I've been absorbing to write this book.....cool
Definietly will start with a re-enactment of our adventure into the cave. How Willy called for someone to come and understand the language of the cave, it is not of the natives.
All things around Bamfield are connected to the gold there, pyramids, etc. connected to Anu needing gold for his survival. So can use that whole story of where gold came from, etc. work the tunnels and caves in somehow. But I think maybe the tunnels and caves could be conected to the blue and green eyed people. Kind of the 'good guys'. Where there is gold there is prima matra so they are the 'others' either ultraterrestrial or maybe it would be more potenet to have them 'just' be Mur-Atlan beings, cross Mu/motherland/Atlantean beings. They would be those that escaped!!! into the water so all the knowledge is recoreded along the coast lines and shores of the islands.
The Prima Matra was something that was created as a side effect of the creation of the gold but was discovered as gold's polarity, to enhance the freedom of the beings, the gold enslaved, the prima matra frees...somehow.
Pyramids could be either or or both maybe, everything here could be pre-Anu, built by the non-manifested Mur-Atlans that existed on the Mu continent that VAncouver Island is part of. But then, once the gold is created, the structures become part of the enslavement process, the caves are about the gold rather than the symbolic nature of them. What would the caves have been int their orignal funciton? what would be the point of lighting up a golden mountain if it had nothing to do with gold per say. And would it even be possible for the sun to hit the same spot all these thousands of years later with the wobble of the planet?
Maybe the caves were constructed with the knowledge of how the sun would hit them....a la mayan time travellers, bveing able to sit and move all the planets through time, seeing how theywould all behave. Certainly then they could use this method to consctruct a model of how the sun would hit a cave wall for a few centuries around 2000 CE!! But what would be the point? And why would the viking have come here? I search of gold? Did they care about gold? and the gemstones too....what purpose do they serve???? need to research more about the prima matra and how it comes out of the earth.

Friday, December 19, 2008

light within

according to the Insider, there is light, not trapped, but ensconced in matter....
within each cell there is light....that light is what communicates with the other cells.
maybe when all those little lights are 'freed' then we phsically birth life through the physical?

tarot meanings

http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/learn/meanings/suits.shtml

the key right in front of me

the key that is right in front of me is the word that is emitted from my being....the living word...the word that was the beginning and from what this universe of sound was created and we recreate it with every word we speak....so how do I express myself as the living word?????????????

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Fool

SPIRIT TAROT
All is movement, all change, this is a precarious time, take a risk, have faither, trust that you will be cradled, every fall moves you closer to your own target of perfection,k you are in the cradle of perfect love, use this opportunity to create, to concentrate on the present, when walking, place one foot in front of the other, no mater how high the mountain, the peak is reached one step at a time, you are in the first mode of empowerment, detachment from outcome, undertake the presetn enteprise because you must, bue detach yourself from outcomes, the process is critically important at this time, do not concern yourself with the ultimate product.


OSHO

Moment to moment, and with every step the Fool leaves the past behind. He carries nothing more than his purity, innocence and trust, symbolized by the white rose in his hand. The patter on his waistcoat contains the colors of all four elements of the tarot, indicating that he is in harmony with all that surrounds him. His intuition is functioning as its peak. At this moment the Fool has the support of the universe to make this jump into the unknown. Adventures await him in the river of life. The card indicates that if you trust your intuition right jnow, your feeling of the rightness of things you cannot go wrong. Your actions may appear foolish to others, or even to yourself, if you try to analyze them with the rational mind. But the zero place occupied by the Fool is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
A Fool is one who goes on trusting, a fool is one who goes on treusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trusts you and you deceive him again and he trusts you. Then you will say that he is a foold, he does not learn. His trust is tremendous, his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it. Be a foold in the Taoist sense, in the Zen sense. Don't try to create a wall fo knowledge around you. Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on droppping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously,, go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, here-now, as if just born, just a babe. In the beginning it is going to be very difficult. The world will start taking advantage of you...let them. They are poor fellows. Even if you are cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours cannot be robbed from you, that which is really yours nobeody can steal from you. And each time you don't allow situations to corrupt you, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Your soul will become more crystallized.

major arcana comparison

0 - The Fool
I - The Magus/Existence
II - The High Priestess/Inner Voice
III - The Empress/Creativity
IV - The Emperor/The Rebel
V - The Hierophant/No-Thingness
VI - The Lovers
VII - The Chariot/Awareness
VIII - Strength/Courage
IX - The Hermit/Aloneness
X - The Wheel of Fortune/Change
XI - Karma/Breakthrough
XII - The Hanged Man/New Vision
XIII - Death/Transformation
XIV - Temperance/Integration
XV - The Devil/Conditioning
XVI - The Tower/Thunderbolt
XVII - The Star/Silence
XVIII - The Moon/Past Lives
XIX - The Sun/Innocence
XX - Resurrection/Beyond Illusion
XXI - The Universe/Completion
The Mystery Card/The Master

deciphering the living word

words are here to confuse words exist as a diversion to your very existence:YET words are the very KEY to our existence, the key to GOD, the key to ourselves, the key to me-dom, the key to freedom [this must be whey the sufis and other orders used words and their permeatations used word games....the truth in words, the freedom in words]
Words are the very life we are abusing because the word was the origin of it all.
THE KEY TO EVERYTHING IS WORDS.

The book of adam is coded and it has to do with 30. According to Desteni, the codes are in the Bible.
Genesis as the book of adam? God says not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, but we do anyways. So, we caused ourselves to fall from the garden and all those believeing in the Bible, good vs. evil are doing just what they were told not to do. Jesus will return meaning You will return to YOu when you stop eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
Words can enslave or words can be the very key to our existence, depending on their interpretation.
Actually living such a word as responibility. Responsibility in this world is non existent. If beings actually lived the word responsibility this world would not be what it is. If beings actually lived the word God this world would not be what it is.
the birthing of life in the physical is...perhaps...
stopping the mind system of thoughts, feelings, emotions and pictures and memories, information and knowledge and become the living words, living word, living freedom as one is all is equal AS SELF
FREEDOM, as equal, as oneness as all is equality will become the manifested experience and expression as who we are as all as one as equal. So, freedom is when the technological mind system ceases to exist and each and every human being lives the word freedom as self within and as oneness as all as one as equal as who we are
"This is where life if born in the physical who we are as the living word." [in the beginninge was the word and the word was god and the word was with god] [I wrote a whole diary entry about going into worlds and altering the word, being the word reviving the word
This can only occur if and when the mind system ceases to exist within EACH AND EVERY HUMAN BEING.

Ones' answer to freedom only occurs when one can stop the system of the mind and be HERE aS THE Manifested experience of you stand as all as one as equal. BUT, freedom cannot be truly defined until ALL have made the choice to 'unplug' from the mind as technological system. Since this hasn't occurred, freedom has never actually been experienced in this realm of existence. So don't let anyone else ever define freedom for you, only you can know what freedom is when you experience it as you, outside of the mind systems....

Stop searching and wanting, both are of the mind. Move into knowing and understanding by stopping the mind and locating Self within the human body.

The humand physical body is the best tool we have to REALIZE ourselves and it is the only tool we can totally trust.
Insider info:
Know who you are: know what you are doing here. Know what this place is. Use the tools you have been given. They are right in front of you: you are right in front of you. The tools are in your hands.

Dream: A boy asking me if I had 'gotten' the 8 yet. (I haven't). But it was the sign Charlene saw and I saw when she did the Chiron session.

Told that the smell of the earth was relevent.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

blue moon calendar

SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2010
Full Moon in Aries at 0 deg. 15 mins, 23rd September at 09:18 (UT)Full Moon in Aries at 29 deg. 32 mins, 23rd October at 01:38 (UT)
JULY/AUGUST 2013
Full Moon in Aquarius at 0 deg. 06 mins, 22nd July at 18.17 (UT)Full Moon in Aquarius at 28 deg. 11 mins, 21st August at 01:46 (UT)
MAY/JUNE 2016
Full Moon in Sagittarius at 01 deg. 14 mins, 21st May at 21:16 (UT)Full Moon in Sagittarius at 29 deg. 32 mins, 20th June at 11:03 (UT)
MARCH/APRIL 2019
Full Moon in Libra at 0 deg. 09 mins, 21st March at 01:44 (UT)Full Moon in Libra at 29 deg. 07 mins, 19th April at 11:13 (UT)
JULY/AUGUST 2021
Full Moon in Aquarius at 01 deg. 26 mins, 24th July at 02:38 (UT)Full Moon in Aquarius at 29 deg. 37 mins, 22nd August at 12:03 (UT)
JUNE/JULY 2024
Full Moon in Capricorn at 01 deg. 07 mins, 22nd June at 01:09 (UT)Full Moon in Capricorn at 29 deg. 09 mins, 21st July at 10:18

Ideas for tarot

Coins - the only one I"m not sure of.....exchange, currency, prosperity, success...not sure how it relates to birthing life in the physical.

Swords - the stripping away of the veils of illusion. the veils of the mind of the machine of the matrix.

Wands - the creative force within us, directed as a self expressing self...

Cups - the grail...it is the human body...whithin this container life will be born as it never has been before, the feminine will truly touch matter, heaven will be on earth.

the fifth element is the birth of life within the physical...the birthing of the 'son'/sun....the central sun within rising to its place within the heart??????? The actualization of the divine feminine on the planet, the feminine becoming the firey core at the center of each atom...I don't know where or if that is even real....where the soul was, the seat of the soul where the drama resides is actually where the truth of what we are, our real self resides but is covered with the lie of the soul, the drama. When that is transcended then the real self can be expressed and Self is Self and Life will be birthed into the physical...I with I knew what that really meant....it's just a phrase but I think it is the true path of immortality. Others sought immortality through artificial means but this is an immortality with integrity, a place where we all rise up as one, as equal and take back our motherland, our earth! It is our forest!!!


In the Lemurian period, the Zodiacal sign of Aries was called "Pythia," a term which much later in history was used in conjunction with the Oracles of Delphi in Greece. The Lemurian word, "Pythia," meant to keep sovereign or pure. It also meant to "sustain, to mark, and to give in offering." Despite the various meanings, the essence of all these definitions was "to hold above all else as cherished and without blemish."
To the Lemurians and the Atlanteans, all Zodiacal signs were feminine in their inner mystery, and masculine in their elemental power. Aries, or "Lady Pythia", is the first sign of the Zodiac, and as such, offers the birth of the other eleven signs as her mark of purity in the heavens. She gives birth to the eleven initiations that come after her, for she contains the consciousness of all twelve within her nature. Yet all but the first, Pythia/Aries herself, remain unborn within the womb until humanity brings her consciousness into its being. so this seems like the eras before life is truly birthed in the physical....only when humanity brings the consiousness of Phythia into their being will all the signs of the zodiac be birthed....then we move into the thirteenth sign, the lady of the stars, queen of stars.

The 13th Moon Template
While it is commonly believed that there are 13 Moons in a Solar cycle, this is only partially true. Our research has shown that there are twelve and some fraction Lunar cycles in a Solar cycle comprised of 12 Zodiacal signs. In other words, the 13th Lunar cycle does not fully complete within the framework of the 12 Zodiacal signs every solar year. It is important to understand that while there may be an occurrence of two Full Moons in any given month on the Gregorian calendar, they are not necessarily in the same Zodiacal sign. Once every 33 Zodiacal signs there is a second Full Moon in a single astrological sign. This is the true ‘Blue Moon’ occurrence. Thoth indicates that the second Full Moon in the same sign of the Zodiac, represents the lost 13th Zodiacal sign, and that in turn represents the consciousness lost to our world. When this occurs there is a very powerful alignment that brings the Earth and humanity into a position of greater receipt of the Pure consciousness of the lost 13th Zodiacal sign.
We were guided to start creating the ‘Mountain of the Moon’ elixirs on the Full Moon of Cancer in 1996, without any conscious knowledge of the 13th moon every 33 signs, nor that it would be occurring at exactly the close of one solar cycle from when we began. As our work in creating these elixirs had its primary focus in ‘boosting’ the power of the Prima Matra consciousness field present on Earth and interweaving it more coherently with the Solar / Lunar shells upon the planet, it was a fitting conclusion indeed to this project to create the ‘13th Moon Elixir’. Thoth has named this elixir ‘Queen of the Stars’, a term which is associated with the Goddess Astarte.
In Barbara C. Walker’s The Woman’s Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets:
"Astarte ruled all the spirits of the dead who lived in heaven wearing bodies of light, visible from earth as stars. Hence, she was known as Astroarche, ‘Queen of Stars’. She was the mother of all souls in heaven, the Moon surrounded by her star-children, to whom she gave their ‘astral’ (starry) bodies....Scholars who really understood the mystery of Astarte recognized in her one of the ancient prototypes of the virgin Mary."
While the other elixirs were created with Red - Fire sign; Black - Earth sign; White - Air sign; Pink - Water sign Prima Matra (Etherium) powders, this elixir is the only one created with Sterling Silver powder. The properties of this elixir / template then are as follows:
Gemini (Air) - ‘QUEEN OF STARS’: sterling silver Prima Matra / etheric / transmuting / liberation from the realm of the trivial world / connection to Greater Feminine stellar fields / becoming the Sacred, walking the path.
At Lower Octaves of Experience: Identifying your role in the Earth as a messenger of the stars.
At Higher Octaves of Experience: Finding your ‘path into the stars’; moving into higher expressions of your cosmic feminine; bringing the higher Light of the stellar bodies into your experience of matter; helps transform feelings of displacement inherent in living upon this planet as it opens a path of unity between the cosmic and the planetary realms.
The most receptive chakra points for this template are the crown, the heart, the palms of the hands, and the chakras in the feet.
The mantram is Auu-ahea-ahney.
world keynote: The earth becomes the "Queen of the Stars" as her children create a New Heaven (the New Earth Star), so Gaia receives her new garment of Light.


The true role of the Goddess in the earth, or the feminine principle, is not to be found within the elements themselves, but as a steward or power over the elements. The divine feminine hierarchical station is within the world of the aether--an uncontaminated substance of fire/air. Her power is utilized to direct and protect the earth. The elements are comprised of cosmic energy which is crystallized within the matter plane of the earth, and which represents a masculine/positive polarity.
With the progressive lowering of the planetary etheric vibration through the ages, it has been necessary for the divine feminine nature of the aether to descend ever closer into proximity with the bonding forces of the elements. She now touches the core of the fire within the atom. However, the quality of the negative polarity which is referred to as the divine feminine has never been, nor ever will be, the elemental serpentine fire itself. Hmmmm, not so sure about that statement....maybe that is exactly what will happen....maybe the actualization of the feminine here on earth IS the heavens coming to earth. SHE touches the core of the fire within the atom....perhaps when the time is auspicious, SHE will BECOME the core of the fire within the atom???????
Therefore, in a higher plane of perception Aries represents the Immaculate Conception of all spiritual consciousness held within in the twelve Zodiacal signs. Indeed, the actual physical birth of Mari Anna, the Mother of Yeshua, was within the sign of Aries. Her birth date was April 16th; while Yeshua, the host for the Christ incarnate, was born in Taurus on April 24th. From the fiery aether of Aries, the "immaculate" gives birth to the sacred word or logos within the Taurean earth.


Monday, December 15, 2008

the fifth element is the wholeness of sound, the state that exists that is beyond the experience of hearing sound but is just everyhting in existence. i have no idea what that is....

maybe that is the music of the sp[heres all coming togther?

tarot of sound

this is me being creative, my self expression.....the true tarot, the tarot of a sound universe that has the suits as the following:
cups - the containment of sound, the initial formation of sound - water it the physical embodiment of sound

wands - the creative force, the focus needed of the force, the 'magic', the spark

sword - what is needed to break through all the mind consioucsness system mind fucks....time after time...the greater the mind fuck the more swords needed....

coins - the actual birthing of life in the physical, the true art of manifestation in the physical, the symbol of success of life not as money but as life being birthed in the physical.


so the cycle would be sword to cut away illusion, wands to generate the spark for the creative process, cups, the inital formation of thesound waves and then coins, the ultimate manifestation of the creation in the physical.
what then, is the fifth element? It is what will arise once we have begun the birthing of life in the physical....

Thursday, December 11, 2008

definitely addicted

I can feel when I'm moving out of presence and into automatic mode. Lately its been around eating. I will eat but then go scrounge around for more to eat which I will then finish eating only because i've filled my plate with it. Even tough I do't have a weight problem I have an eating addiction for sure. Seems to be worse now that I'm onto the Desteni stuff. LIke it is that last vestige of the system holding onto me, that last piece I'm allowing to keep my hooked in. I went through a really nice time a few months ago where I became so aware of what I was eating and why - only eating enough to nourish me as that was the intent. now I stuff myself. I don't like the feeling after but it is certainly a compulsion. Becoming more aware now though, only sort of pigging out rather than completely pigging out. I used to be so addicted to candy that i would make myself sick on it...now I jsut make myself a little bit sick and I get tired of the sugar influx quicker now I think. I don't know if its 'bad' or not but it certainly is my current thing to work with. That and my mind, my mind is constantly going, not about the past or future sso much...well i guess the near future. it s like I alwyas want to be doing the next thing on my list rather than me enjoying the thing I am doing. I think that when I get to the point when I can settle and and do...whatever, then my mind will relax and I will be present. But that doesn't happen, I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I am finding a quiet place within me that I haven't acccessed much before. I thought everyone was like me but A seems to have a quietness in her being that isn't always stimulated. I can be sayuing a mantra in my head and stlll creating a shopping list, thinking about what movie I want to rent, and odind my finances! Oh well, one stip at a time I guess. That's all for today. I didn't write yesterday. A and I pull eachother off our routines I think a little bit. Need to try and keep time to myelf even when she's home all day. we don't need to spend every second togehter on her days off. We don't even each want to I'm sure...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

get overwhelmed

I slept too much last night. But i had a dream before I woke up in the middle of the night. I made myself get up and read for awhile with the intention of having alittle nap after and then getting up early but my early turned into 10:00 I think...yikes. So Ive found i'm a bit scattered with all the things i want to accoomplish today. i never feel like i'm far enough along with the videos, etc. to start doing stuff...but i just started. this blog was good step.
so my dream was that i moved into a room/apartment with all my stuff. it was like a hotel room. i looked at all my stuff and knew i would hve to take time tomorrow to get settled in but that i would do it reight away. i was taking a shower and the shower was right at the door way.my dad opened the door and saw me showering. I crouched down and was cowering on the floor, so he couldn't see me naked. He had just come in to grab my garbage pail or something. he said something about being ready for supper. he closed the door and i could hear him berating himself for that happeneing. really pissed off, making that noise he makes AAAAHgGGGGHHHHH!!!
there is so much shame of being female in this dream especially in front of the father figure. to not have dad see my naked body, for his total disgust with himself for the intrusion upon me. i just recall the feeling of really needing to hide myself.
Now this dream doesn't surprise me too much...i have carried this my whole life and i obviously attach alot of importance to it as it keeps coming up. the thoughts about him that are always glossed over with a sexual intrusion, a gross, gooey feeling i can't seem to stop and then the sensation on my tongue that i try to stop in its tracks but seems to manifest anyways. its the same sensation i get when inappropriate things becime sexualized in my thoughts like children, animals, members of my family, friends, anyone and anything can become sexualized in my thoughts. i really hate it which is probably why i can't seem to work through it.

i guess the revelation today is that these houghts are not me and they are not my self expression. these thoughts direct me and i allow myself to feel guilt and shame because of them. so i am punishing myself for such things. i've never acted on the thoughts specifically but i did that weird thing with mattea when i was drunk when i grabbed her tongue. wow, i really identify myslef with that one, definitely have not forgiven myself for it. haven't even tried. almost too much...if I knew whe would't remember on some leve i wouldn't carry so much guilt but i know part of her remembers the violation. i suppose it was a repeat of the non physical violation i felt from my own father, the violation of my beingness, his hooking into my so completely. creepy and i hate this whole thing. i wish it had never happened. yuck, i hate myself over this one for sure. any and all the sexual memories i have from when i was a kid too i really hate. i was such a hyper sexual child....what the hell? i guess i was really hooked into the system. i also must have been the product of my parents unconscious use of their own sexual energy so the sins of the fathers were passed on to me i guess. no blame, just observation. i feel like i should do something about this thing that happened with mattie but i don't know what i would do and who i would tell. i'm sure my guilto over that was a big reason why i ended up leaving vancouver. it was just gross for me to do and she was grossed out by it. i don't think it was intentionally sexual it was just goofing around but it was afterward i put the sexual label on it and attached it to the thoughts that like to come and present themselves to me. disgusting thoughts and dreams of kids and animals and family sexual relations. i feel curesed with this crap like i volounteered fro some stupid reason to take these thoughts on. i don't feel they are my thoughts at all but i've accepted them for some reason. even as a young kid i had that dream of having sex with a rabbit...like where does that come from? i didn't even know what bestiality was at that age and i was dreaming about perpetrating it? fucked up fucked up....i don't want to carry these things anymore, they aren't mine and they aren't who i am and trying to accept them and love them into oblivion hasn't worked because there is too much guilt and shame attached to them and the the few things i've actually done that i don't thing were attached to them but i've put them together in my head.

ok enough apply forgiveness;

I forgive myself for allowing myself to identify with my thoughts.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to carry shame continuously.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to carry guilt through this lifetime.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to operate from guilt throught my lifetime.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to let guilt direct my life.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to let shame direct my life.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to nto see the mirror that guilt was providing for me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to live my life as a sleepwalker.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to act out on my thoughts.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to entertain sexual thoughts.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to use pictures during sex to turn myself on.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to continue sexually even though I desired it no more./
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be directed by my sexual desires.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel guilt and shame about my sexual activities.
I forgive myself for allwoing myself to be part of this system.
I forgive myself for allwoing myself to be angry at myself for begin part of this system.
\I forgive myself for allowing myself to fall asleep on this planet.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not be aware of each breath.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be part of competition.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be fascinated by war.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not wake up sooner.

I stand up as me as breath as one as equal to LIFE. I am Life and I am one with the trees, the plants the animals the stars the sun the universe and other human beings. I am the earth and it is me we are one and we are alone in our oneness.

Monday, December 8, 2008

self or mind

so i'm not dreaming really anymore. i'm trying to only sleep for 6 hours so it is helping. but i did wake up last night with the thought about Georgia in my mind and got some message about 8 of us. i need to ask about how to tell the difference between my mind tripping me up and actually having some sort of true access to myself during those times i do manage to quiet my mind down. tomorrow, tonight i go off and sleep only for a little while. then on, on towards the one again,
living word, that i need to decipher too...

see saw

I am so easily influenced by others. It's like I have no back bone per say. I can read a post and react to it and then read somone elses reaction and be like, YEAah they are right and then read a reply or rebuttal and be like, yeah, they are right....jeepers, no parameters at all fro what I know. I love what kid mongo wrote about putting knowledge into action and then it is no longer knowledge. I feel like I need to do that. It is time to do that, it istime to do something. All this gathering, putting into the mind and no outlet. but it has to be a true outlet,not an obsessive, i gotta do something outlet. i guess it'll work itself out.
i loved carolina's post she seems really balance, not bi polar. it's like the exorcisms in my book, the people were actually really close to self realization and because the church completely rejects xthe negative, they had the truth exorcised out of them. Sad but true, good ole church, helping humans so much along their way....when will we all stand up and admit this isn't working?

I just knew ignoring the negative wasnt correc application. it made me feel nauseous when I heard it. I still feel the brain sync stuff will be ok to us though. it is just creating a brain wave state that certainly can be useful from slowing down my brain, god, it is constant this noggin of mine. going, going, going....there are always conversations and permeatations and calculations going on in there. at least when I'm reading Desteni I am totally present.
It's like everything is falling in place now. I'm beginning to see that maybe v has been doing this same thing all along. She has the same message - just doesn't express her channeling the same way except to say it isn't channelling and she doesn't know what she does. She's a portal, some kind of portal has occurred through her body and she has become aware, the veil is lifted. I think the veil has been lifted from my eyes now. Maybe I will begin to see but it doesn't dven matter anymore, it's not about seeing or becoming a channel for anything. for me its about reconciling with self. seeing my own demons, facing them then facing the world then somehow creating, self directing a life that supports myself in the process but that also supports others who are ready to wake up.\
awakening
accepting responsibility
creating solutions
realizing love (what is is anyways? no idea.....) Love is something connected to life and existence. it is somehow a vital element in our self revelation but has nothing to do with what we call love here. it is not a feel good and fuzzy on the inside kind of thing. it is so much more , it is nothing.
carving out new initiatives.
how can we do this here, not feel like we have to go to dEsteni to become validated? we have our portal already, we have been working with her for years. she will not be outed or revealed. \
certainly I don't believe anything we do there, i never have. i've always had one foot out of the door. my commitment is surface, and i am not attached to anything to do with it. but, outside of all the perceived ways the portal is still plugged into the systems, i think she is unique too. i think she is busting the system from the inside, which means on the exterior she is perpetuating all the new age crap but within it is actually being altered, the codes being changed, to all being equal and one...stepping outside the mind....beyond. crap , i think i finally see whats going on here. all this stuff if put before us to see how we will react. the skulls, the pyramids, the crystals..................if we give our power to these things we must walk past that. i am over my crystal skull identification. i identify with nothing....i just am everything.
Desteni is not the only source of true truth or real reality but it sure is a clear one.

True truth \
a gem, rare, not shiny
ugly, stupid, unquestioning slave

Real reality=all we will not face
all we will not accept as us
all we will not stop
all we think we are \not

what a trip, maybe the skulls were implanted before the mind consciousness sytems were put in place. maybe the skulls are exactly what we placed here to call us from our slumber. maybe the crap at desteni is just crap and it was only from their perspective that all dimensions no longer exist...actually it doesn't matter...none of what v'channels' has ever said they were even dimensional beings. all is within. vspeaks from within herself. not becuase she is perfect or special but just because her body happens to be the portal. agreements were made before time and before the soul construct and before the white light for us to do what we are doing now. i think some shit does need to go down in order for the buld of humanity to wakie up but we have cracked through much of the perceived canopies already.
all is within me. follow what i know...turn my knowledge into action. experience myself in every breath...forgive my mind, thank my mind for being here to showme how much i am plugged into my mind!

reactions galore!!!!

I have no idea if anyone will read this but I guess it doesn't really matter....that's the point. But I'm going to write it as if no one will because I would censore myself if I thought anyone would see it.
I'm reading through the forum now and kid mongo pisses me off!!!!!! I don't understand how one can be standing up for oneness and equality but then say only those who accept fully and understand all the material are his equals. And others shall be abused until they choose to take their lying dishonest selves elsewhere....the proliferation of abuse is something that should be halted, nO?????
OK, rant done. I know how I would be treated if I posted something on the forum about this so I won't bother, I"ll just work it out for myself. If it has to do with halting the ego and he says then I definitely know that is a huge piece for me. I want people to be nice to each other, to accept each other and to be ONE and can't reconcile in my MIND how abusing someone so they'll leave the forums is 'helpful' to anyone involved. Especially those of us wanting to jump in...AARRGGGHH< ok, i'll stop with the kid mongo stuff...this is supposed to be about me anyways...

I am an obsessive in so many ways. I get onto something and that's it, focus cannot be altered. I guess I'm still looking for something outside of myself to fulfill myself. I'm unplugged from alot of the systems of the world, relationships, money, career, fashion, entertainment...but I do love history and I love to read...obsessively. I keep trying to bring some threads forward from the past that will make me feel secure with what we're doing now. Don't know why...just seems to be this thing I have. I want to find the little thread of truth that runs through all of history, thinking maybe someone, somewhere holds the key to what's going on.
OK, the mind that is never quiet, the mind that is definitely in control, the mind that speaks to me in whole sentances....which made me believe it was the 'truth' somehow....how logical is that?

After finding desteni I wanted to completely reject everything else in my life but I'm not going to do that because that is just another kind of reaction, keeping me on the pendulum swing....I'm starting to see that it is the starting point that is important. And to act from there. Key me thinks.

What really cracks me up is that I started Kundalini yoga just a few weeks ago thinking I had found my path finally!!! And i guess I had, that predestined path I was uncovering for myself, the one that made me feel I had a special mission here in life that I had volounteered for at some point along the continuum....ah well....to the present moment.....some of the interviewees lived a whole life time believing in their mission and only got to see reality once they were gone. I should be grateful I only had to wait 38 years to be knocked into reality...which I still don't really know yet...the mind is TOO STRONG!!!!

Some self-forgiveness before I go (I cant help but feel a bit cultish doing this...I've been in a cult situation before and it's like we're all just doing it because we're told to....but I guess I'll just give it a try and give the mind a chance to take a vacation....)
I forgive myself for allowing my mind to control me.
I forgive myself for allowing my mind to be my guide.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be a victim of my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be part of the lie.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to buy into the system.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be the system.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to lie to myself.
I forgive myself for allowing myself tobe lied to.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself for falling for the lies.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feed the lies.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be a tool for others to lie to themselves.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be a fool.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to waste so many lifetimes.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be the system.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the system.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to perpetuate the system.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to continue the system even after it had been dismantled.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to think I came to here to rescue humanity.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to abandon the earth.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be seperate from the earth.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be seperate from the trees.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be seperate from other humans.