reactions galore!!!!

I have no idea if anyone will read this but I guess it doesn't really matter....that's the point. But I'm going to write it as if no one will because I would censore myself if I thought anyone would see it.
I'm reading through the forum now and kid mongo pisses me off!!!!!! I don't understand how one can be standing up for oneness and equality but then say only those who accept fully and understand all the material are his equals. And others shall be abused until they choose to take their lying dishonest selves elsewhere....the proliferation of abuse is something that should be halted, nO?????
OK, rant done. I know how I would be treated if I posted something on the forum about this so I won't bother, I"ll just work it out for myself. If it has to do with halting the ego and he says then I definitely know that is a huge piece for me. I want people to be nice to each other, to accept each other and to be ONE and can't reconcile in my MIND how abusing someone so they'll leave the forums is 'helpful' to anyone involved. Especially those of us wanting to jump in...AARRGGGHH< ok, i'll stop with the kid mongo stuff...this is supposed to be about me anyways...

I am an obsessive in so many ways. I get onto something and that's it, focus cannot be altered. I guess I'm still looking for something outside of myself to fulfill myself. I'm unplugged from alot of the systems of the world, relationships, money, career, fashion, entertainment...but I do love history and I love to read...obsessively. I keep trying to bring some threads forward from the past that will make me feel secure with what we're doing now. Don't know why...just seems to be this thing I have. I want to find the little thread of truth that runs through all of history, thinking maybe someone, somewhere holds the key to what's going on.
OK, the mind that is never quiet, the mind that is definitely in control, the mind that speaks to me in whole sentances....which made me believe it was the 'truth' somehow....how logical is that?

After finding desteni I wanted to completely reject everything else in my life but I'm not going to do that because that is just another kind of reaction, keeping me on the pendulum swing....I'm starting to see that it is the starting point that is important. And to act from there. Key me thinks.

What really cracks me up is that I started Kundalini yoga just a few weeks ago thinking I had found my path finally!!! And i guess I had, that predestined path I was uncovering for myself, the one that made me feel I had a special mission here in life that I had volounteered for at some point along the continuum....ah well....to the present moment.....some of the interviewees lived a whole life time believing in their mission and only got to see reality once they were gone. I should be grateful I only had to wait 38 years to be knocked into reality...which I still don't really know yet...the mind is TOO STRONG!!!!

Some self-forgiveness before I go (I cant help but feel a bit cultish doing this...I've been in a cult situation before and it's like we're all just doing it because we're told to....but I guess I'll just give it a try and give the mind a chance to take a vacation....)
I forgive myself for allowing my mind to control me.
I forgive myself for allowing my mind to be my guide.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be a victim of my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be part of the lie.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to buy into the system.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be the system.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to lie to myself.
I forgive myself for allowing myself tobe lied to.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself for falling for the lies.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feed the lies.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be a tool for others to lie to themselves.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be a fool.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to waste so many lifetimes.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be the system.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to create the system.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to perpetuate the system.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to continue the system even after it had been dismantled.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to think I came to here to rescue humanity.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to want to abandon the earth.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be seperate from the earth.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be seperate from the trees.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be seperate from other humans.