get overwhelmed

I slept too much last night. But i had a dream before I woke up in the middle of the night. I made myself get up and read for awhile with the intention of having alittle nap after and then getting up early but my early turned into 10:00 I think...yikes. So Ive found i'm a bit scattered with all the things i want to accoomplish today. i never feel like i'm far enough along with the videos, etc. to start doing stuff...but i just started. this blog was good step.
so my dream was that i moved into a room/apartment with all my stuff. it was like a hotel room. i looked at all my stuff and knew i would hve to take time tomorrow to get settled in but that i would do it reight away. i was taking a shower and the shower was right at the door way.my dad opened the door and saw me showering. I crouched down and was cowering on the floor, so he couldn't see me naked. He had just come in to grab my garbage pail or something. he said something about being ready for supper. he closed the door and i could hear him berating himself for that happeneing. really pissed off, making that noise he makes AAAAHgGGGGHHHHH!!!
there is so much shame of being female in this dream especially in front of the father figure. to not have dad see my naked body, for his total disgust with himself for the intrusion upon me. i just recall the feeling of really needing to hide myself.
Now this dream doesn't surprise me too much...i have carried this my whole life and i obviously attach alot of importance to it as it keeps coming up. the thoughts about him that are always glossed over with a sexual intrusion, a gross, gooey feeling i can't seem to stop and then the sensation on my tongue that i try to stop in its tracks but seems to manifest anyways. its the same sensation i get when inappropriate things becime sexualized in my thoughts like children, animals, members of my family, friends, anyone and anything can become sexualized in my thoughts. i really hate it which is probably why i can't seem to work through it.

i guess the revelation today is that these houghts are not me and they are not my self expression. these thoughts direct me and i allow myself to feel guilt and shame because of them. so i am punishing myself for such things. i've never acted on the thoughts specifically but i did that weird thing with mattea when i was drunk when i grabbed her tongue. wow, i really identify myslef with that one, definitely have not forgiven myself for it. haven't even tried. almost too much...if I knew whe would't remember on some leve i wouldn't carry so much guilt but i know part of her remembers the violation. i suppose it was a repeat of the non physical violation i felt from my own father, the violation of my beingness, his hooking into my so completely. creepy and i hate this whole thing. i wish it had never happened. yuck, i hate myself over this one for sure. any and all the sexual memories i have from when i was a kid too i really hate. i was such a hyper sexual child....what the hell? i guess i was really hooked into the system. i also must have been the product of my parents unconscious use of their own sexual energy so the sins of the fathers were passed on to me i guess. no blame, just observation. i feel like i should do something about this thing that happened with mattie but i don't know what i would do and who i would tell. i'm sure my guilto over that was a big reason why i ended up leaving vancouver. it was just gross for me to do and she was grossed out by it. i don't think it was intentionally sexual it was just goofing around but it was afterward i put the sexual label on it and attached it to the thoughts that like to come and present themselves to me. disgusting thoughts and dreams of kids and animals and family sexual relations. i feel curesed with this crap like i volounteered fro some stupid reason to take these thoughts on. i don't feel they are my thoughts at all but i've accepted them for some reason. even as a young kid i had that dream of having sex with a rabbit...like where does that come from? i didn't even know what bestiality was at that age and i was dreaming about perpetrating it? fucked up fucked up....i don't want to carry these things anymore, they aren't mine and they aren't who i am and trying to accept them and love them into oblivion hasn't worked because there is too much guilt and shame attached to them and the the few things i've actually done that i don't thing were attached to them but i've put them together in my head.

ok enough apply forgiveness;

I forgive myself for allowing myself to identify with my thoughts.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to carry shame continuously.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to carry guilt through this lifetime.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to operate from guilt throught my lifetime.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to let guilt direct my life.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to let shame direct my life.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to nto see the mirror that guilt was providing for me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to live my life as a sleepwalker.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to act out on my thoughts.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to entertain sexual thoughts.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to use pictures during sex to turn myself on.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to continue sexually even though I desired it no more./
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be directed by my sexual desires.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel guilt and shame about my sexual activities.
I forgive myself for allwoing myself to be part of this system.
I forgive myself for allwoing myself to be angry at myself for begin part of this system.
\I forgive myself for allowing myself to fall asleep on this planet.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not be aware of each breath.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be part of competition.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be fascinated by war.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to not wake up sooner.

I stand up as me as breath as one as equal to LIFE. I am Life and I am one with the trees, the plants the animals the stars the sun the universe and other human beings. I am the earth and it is me we are one and we are alone in our oneness.